Phill and Phil's Musings on The Perfect Ten

You say tom-AY-to, I say tom-AH-to, Jupitus says #tomsontoast

2010-02-24T09:39:00.029Z

You want to know when and how this whole thing started? Well, it was here...

@jupitusphillip Sudden craving... Plum tomatoes on brown toast... TO THE BAKERS!
5:37 PM Feb 17th via web

A simple desire for something I used to have for breakfast quite a bit, and hadn't had in ages. Having bought a brown loaf, I went to my cupboard and found two different tins which I mistakenly identified as follows...

@jupitusphillip Have a can of Sainsbury's 'Taste The Difference' plum tomatoes. May put them up against Sainsburys own and have a 'tinned plum tomato-off'
5:46 PM Feb 17th via web

As it turned out, what I had in my cupboard was a tin of Sainsbury's taste the difference and one of Waitrose Organic. Then I realised that there were quite a few supermarkets most of which these days made most of their leading grocery products available in budget, regular and posh varieties. Also in addition to the supermarkets own brands, there were tried and trusted producers like Napolina and Cirio out there as well. Just sat there and pondering this, I realised that within 20 minutes of my front door I could lay my hands on around 20-30 different kinds of tinned tomato.

Now I quite like regularity. I ate weetabix for breakfast every day for years as a kid, right up until the delicious biscuits were turned into a kind of wheaty skinhead by the marketing men... ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EV3E2SJ4B7U ) So the idea of having tomatoes on toast once a day quite appealed. I could either have it for breakfast or dinner, and I dare say if push came to shove I could have them for my tea as well. So I had the two varieties in my cupboard (see above) to which I added the following when I nipped to the shops

Sainsbury's so organic
Sainsbury's basics
Sainsbury's premium
Sainsbury's Taste The Difference Cherry Tomatoes
Napolina Peeled Plum Tomatoes

From Lidl I obtained a generic can of Pomodori Pelati and a name brand called Nostia From the garage M&S on the London Road in Westcliff I got a standard can of their own peeled plum tomatoes. Then I received this message...

@jupitusphillip We obviously think that our Suma tomatoes make the very best #tomsontoast !!! Can we send you a tin to try? :D
1:38 PM Feb 18th via web in reply to jupitusphillip

So now I had purchased eight tins, and had two on the way in the post, and had several retail outlets near home yet to visit. So in order to give this experiment a bit of a control element I had to set a few rules.

1. Tomatoes always heated on the hob. Never microwaved.
2. I use 2 slices of Waitrose Wholemeal Uncut Organic Tin bread cut to about 15mm and done in my electric toaster on setting 6 (well done)
3. I use Yeo Valley organic butter on the toast.
4. The only condiment I will be using is ground white pepper. I am a big fan of Lea & Perrins or even the excellent Hendersons on tomatoes on toast, but the flavour is so strong, I think it obscures the taste of what you're eating.
5. The tomatoes are forked out of the pan and placed on the buttered toast. I then reduce and stir the juice for a minute or two on a high gas heat and then pour a little of this thickened liquid on each slice.

As far as controls go, the above is far as I am prepared to take it. Obviously this thing seems to have rather taken off on Twitter. Lots of people have sent me some really mad variations. One favourite was the dude who 'drizzled' salad cream on his at the end. I think the word he was looking for was 'slathered'. Another popular one is apparently adding an oxo cube while they're simmering. Some of you add, mustard, cream, chiles, chilli powder, bacon, chorizo, onion, peppers, mushrooms. That's all very inspiring and inventive of you, but I kind of like the plainness. Once I've finished this thing and have isolated a favourite brand, then I might have a splash or Worcester Sauce, or indeed have them with bacon and scramble. But for now, I'm keeping it old skool like my mum made. Also lots of you have been putting cheese on top which then prompts others to say "THAT'S PIZZA!" Well, no it's not, but I know what you mean. I can't say this enough, do whatever floats your boat. It's nice that some of you are experimenting. Some of the photographs have been worthy of the glossiest of food mags.

Lots of people have said things like "I don't like tomatoes." and some of them have got quite belligerent about it. Well so what, I don't like sweetcorn, but if I saw someone talking about it I wouldn't feel fucking excluded or offended. The bloke who said "I don't like tomatoes, what should I eat..." I dunno, beans, tuna, an apple? One absolute belter was "I don't like tomatoes, how should I eat them?" I can answer that very easily. You fucking SHOULDN'T!

iF YOU DON'T LIKE TOMATOES OR FIND IT BORING THEN PLEASE JUST UNFOLLOW ME.

Quite a few questions are regularly asked, the first few of which I answered people directly, but then I noticed I was starting to repeat myself so here we go...

#tomsontoast FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

"What's this #tomsontoast thing all about?"
Well, for now, see above. (But if you notice something on Twitter that you've arrived in the middle of then just try following the Tweetstream back and you'll find the point at which a strand started.)

"Are you eating tomatoes on toast every day? Won't you get bored?"
Again, see above but as I said to somebody who asked this, there are many foods and beverages we eat or drink as a matter of routine which don't become boring to us. Tea, coffee, bread and so on. And I should stress, this is only one meal a day.And for fucks sake its only food. It is fuel for our bodies. A bit of fruit and some carbs and some fat.

"Aren't you trying different breads as well?"
For me, the point of this is to test the tomatoes and hopefully find a favourite brand, so I just found a very simple unfussy bread that I like so the comparison would be consistent. If I factored different breads in as well then this thing would last for fucking years.

"Are you comparing them for value for money?"
Not really as prices seem to vary wildly around the country. Somebody told me that Sainsburys basics were 19p, whereas thay were closer to 40p. Also part of the reason that I'm doing this is that tinned tomatoes are one of the cheapest and most basic foods on the shelves regardless. Truth be told I think that paying north of 50p for a tin of tomatoes is a bit daft, even though I am doing it more often than not. The prices of the tins I review are probably available online.

"What kinds have you tried so far?"
Sainsbury's Taste The Difference - "thick very tasty juice and five whole quite firm tomatoes, not in any way damaged, very tasty indeed..."
Waitrose Organic - "nicer than Sainsbury's TTD, Juice slightly thinner, tomatoes (6) have softer texture and sweeter flavour..."
Suma Organic - "Lovely natural flavours, none of the tartness you can get, 6 quite firm tomatoes in a thinner juice than TTD... V.nice"
Fortuna peeled plum tomatoes - (Waitrose), "juice a bit watery, tomatoes still had some skin on, Flavour okay, no better."
Essential Waitrose - 2 large, 3 small, sweet, sharp rich flavour and nice yielding texture... My favourite variety thus far...
Marks & Spencer Peeled Plum Tomatoes - Bar raised by M&S, beautiful soft texture and flavour. Not too sweet. Smaller & more dessicated than other kinds. My favourites so far...
Heinz Peeled Tomatoes - 7 toms, 2 quite firm, 5 soft, least amount of juice so far, some bits of skin, good fruity flavour, overall not bad...
Mr. Organic - straight into top slot, subtle flavour and balanced texture 7 toms, perfect juice... wow! However, were freebies.
Happy Shopper - 6 toms, watery juice, soft texture to fruit, slightly sharp taste but not unpleasant. Toast did go a bit soggy
Biona Organic - only 3 large toms, but more salty than sweet savoury taste, juice delicious, fruit firm with some give. New leader!
Somerfield Simply Value - 6 over soft toms, juice too watery, flavour a bit too acid, and stalks/skin in evidence. Naaah...
Cirio - 6 medium sized toms, varying texture, gentle naturally sweet flavour, very nice juice when reduced...
Solania San Marzano - Wow! No escaping the quality, 4 toms, best juice by a mile, sweet subtle flavour but not £1.75 worth...
Napolina Organic - Worst so far, not a full can, only 4 toms and too much citric acid in juice... Dreadful aftertaste. Avoid.
Epicure - Almost completely tasteless, 6/7 toms in a thick-ish juice, slightly tart edge, hardest texture so far, unpleasant.
Sainsburys So Organic - 2 huge & 1 medium tom in a very watery juice. Texture quite hard. Variable flavour. Average at best.
Co-op - 5 soft medium sized toms in a thick juice. Slightly tart flavour but some saltiness gives balance. Not at all bad.
Trattoria Verdi - 1 huge & 3 med-small soft toms in passatta-like juice, rich natural flavour, best discount brand so far (33p)
Sainsbury's Premium - 6 small soft toms in watery juice. The slightly acidic edge fails to mask a rather flavourless product...
Sweet Harvest - Only 4.5 medium toms in a thin juice but a quite nice sweet taste & medium firmness... Not too bad at all...

"What are your favourites so far?"
#1 Solania San Marzano
#2 Biona Organic
#3 Mr. Organic
#4 M&S Peeled Plum Tomatoes
#5 Suma Organic

"Are you testing chopped tomatoes as well?"
No because, they're a bit too sloppy. To cook chopped tomatoes for toast, I would fry half an onion in butter in a small pan. Drain the juice from the chopped toms and fry them. Then when they're done, set aside in a bowl, Then reduce the juice in the same pan. Then what I'd have there is more like bruschetta.

"Will you be doing beans next?"
I fucking hope not. I don't want to turn into the Twitter consumer watchdog, I just have a curiosity about tomatoes, albeit a quite powerful one...

"Are you doing fresh tomatoes as well?"
No, because that would be too much like proper cooking, knives, oven pans etc... Also I'm not that much of a fan of uncooked fresh tomatoes on toast.

Doesn't the toast get soggy?
It shouldn't because you just fork whole tomatoes on, then you reduce your juice over a high heat and spoon just a little of it on. If you just pour the lot over and don't thicken it first then yes, you will get soggy toast. Also some brands seem to have very juicy fruit that kind of bursts over the toast when you cut into them.

Shouldn't you be more scientific, blind testing, more than 1 can etc...?
You want more scientific, then you fucking do it.

You do know they're probably all canned by the same company don't you?
Yes. Yes I do.

"Will you be publishing your results?"
They're just above. I won't be taking it any further.

"Why are you doing this?"
Like the people who ask "Why did you block me?" the answer is the same. Because I can. It's not science, it's not serious. It is just something to do for a bit of a laugh on Twitter and at the same time I will find out my favourite brand.

Are you turning red?
No.

You should try fresh tomatoes!
Probably but I'm testing tinned ones.

"I bet you're shitting more, right!"
Not really. Thanks for asking.

At the moment I have twenty two cans in the cupboard at home but I have yet to check the following possible sources...
Fortnum & Masons
Selfridges
Harrods
Carluccios
Italian Delis
Holland & Barrett
Asda
Morrisons
Online

If you do come across a variety you think I might not have tried, or you know of one, then let me know via the comment box below or feel free to tweet a photo. I have heard that there's a posh italian variety that goes for north of two quid a can. Desperate to get hold of some of those.

Please keep sending photos of your own variations and experiments with the whole thing, they are a lot of fun to receive and some of them are quite instructional. http://www.flickr.com/photos/43882914@N07/

I'd like to thank the lovely people at both Suma Organic and Mister Organic for the freebies, which of course I can in no way be impartial about now...

It's just a laugh, relax...

Jupitus

Sub-edited

2009-06-30T09:27:00.003+01:00

I was contacted by The Guardian yesterday to respond to a survey that suggested that fat celebrities are poor role models for obese teens. They said they wanted a 'spirited response' to the researcher in question. While I was writing it they got Susie Orbach to write a piece as well. Understandable as they weren't sure I would be up for it. Anyway I sent the piece as below. It was radically re-ordered and had a couple of my main points taken out of it as you might imagine. Ultimately I think it's wasn't what they wanted, and so made what they did want out of a few of my points. Just interesting from the point of view of how papers work. At no point was I contacted about the edit, or did anybody say, we're going to change it around, is that okay? I'm not pissed off at all, more fascinated by the process...

The unedited article follows...

‘Survey Says…’

A ‘survey’ conducted by Nuffield Health has stated that, obese celebrities such as James Corden and Beth Ditto provide ‘dangerous role models’. Consultant Professor Michael McMahon went on to say that “…viewers admire them and do not take their own weight as seriously as they should." That is certainly a point of view. However one should take this ‘survey’ with the customary pinch of salt, but you should probably go for a reduced sodium variety.

Such ‘surveys’ tend to posit something incendiary or ludicrous at the top of their press releases just to crowbar their way into the news cycle. The very fact that I am here responding to it in another newspaper would indicate that this ploy was a success. The central tenet is however, utter bollocks. People do not think its okay to be obese just because Beth Ditto is witty and talented.

We are constantly reminded how wrong it is for us to be obese. There is more information available on ‘the obesity crisis’ in the media than I can recall at any other time in my life. Paradoxically, the general pervasiveness of the perfect body in films and music and TV and advertising and marketing imagery is genuinely psychologically damaging and therefore an actual contributory factor to obesity. James Corden wobbling his gut in Matthew Horne’s face once a week, is not.

I have been overweight for most of my life and I have been aware that it’s a problem. But it is my problem thank you very much. I deal with it in my own way. I have never thought that my weight was permissible simply because I listened to Bad Manners or loved Jo Brand. My feeling is that if the popularity of Corden and Ditto can help to stop fat kids being picked on by their peers then they are performing a valuable service. A ‘survey’ like this is the kind of toss that sends people straight back to the fridge. The obesity crisis will only be solved by a radical overhaul of education, health and social policy, and certainly not by pinheaded inflammatory half arsed ‘surveys’ like this. Michael McMahon should be fucking ashamed of himself. Sorry, that was the fat talking…

This isn't fucking Question Time

2009-05-28T12:57:00.002+01:00

Hello all,
Just a quick note to say thank you so much for making the first live Ten such a well rounded exercise in love (yours) and hate (ours). When we originally planned our first night out we were expecting a half-filled room of like-minded people who we could watch Anchorman with. Walking up to the venue and seeing the 'sold out' signs gave even our brittle old hearts a thrill. We hope you enjoyed it as much as we did - hard to tell if people are having fun when a Welshman is screaming at the first three rows and the big fella is wading into the audience to shove someone's ringing phone up their ass.
Enjoy the vivid if frightening memories and the Laffy Taffy and Mars bars if you got any. There'll be more of everything soon. And Phil(l) would especially like to thank the man who carried a woman on the stage for him, he was quite touched, especially as it wasn't even on his rider.
We love you, true fucking story.
Until the next time...
P&P Industries.
xxx

Brighton Rock

2009-05-19T10:08:00.003+01:00

Yes, we know it's been a while and for that we're sorry, though that might not be the word we're looking for. Like bit part Shakespearian characters, life and time has conspired against us. Then again, at our age, time's always conspiring against us. Recent highlights during frequently dashing days have included the incredible Specials at Brixton Academy (Newcastle for Joop too), Dan Reed at Bush Hall (a drunk Wilding working the room and for that he'd like to apologise) and a Saturday game between the Yankees and the Red Sox in front of Jupes' spaceship sized TV. Oh, the highs and lows, at one point Wilding (Yankees) was dancing like a little girl and then he was merely crying like one.
Now the first live Perfect Ten looms before us like Mothra coming out of the gloom. On Saturday we take our whimsy and record collections to the seaside and see if we can make a roomful of people gasp with outrage and then giggle like we can the production people who sit behind the studio glass at USP. Remember though, they're paid to be there, they might just be polite... If all else fails, Anchorman's a fun film and we can DJ at an almost professional level and we'll be looking sharp, some say pretty (not us). If you can't make it, and we know geography's against a lot of you, you've been quite vocal about it, but we had to start shows somewhere and that somewhere is Brighton. If it doesn't all end like the Hindenburg (not half as funny a line if it actually does) then there'll be more in the autumn, why, some even near you house... Before then, both live shows will air via the usual channels, the first on the Tuesday after the bank holiday weekend unless I'm very much mistaken, which means nothing as I very often am.
So we'll see you 300 or so brave souls on Saturday at the Duke Of Yorks, thanks very much to Jon with the unpronounceable surname for sorting this all out, and for those of you at the front, duck...
Currently, I'm reveling in the Manics' new album, ditto the Mars Volta record, Dusty Rhodes and The River Band and the Bowerbirds. I've stopped reading as I'm trying to write book 2 and my mind's a junkyard at the best of times so I'm trying to clear some space. And can I please recommend Michael Caine's new film, Is Anybody There? I cried. At a screening. Told you I was a little girl.
Love and broken glass
Phil(l) at the behest and on behalf of P&P Industries
xxx

Ten goes up to eleven

2009-03-21T09:55:00.002Z

Hello,
Just a quick reminder that we go live for the first time on the 23rd May, it's a Saturday, it's Brighton, what's the worst that could possibly happen? Oh yeah... We'll at be the awfully pretty Duke of York's Picturehouse from 8.30, two Tens, Anchorman and then we DJ until 1.30am, but you'll probably need to have let your babysitter get home by then. There'll even be a chance to play our drinking game live, please try not to spill anything on your fellow patrons.
That aside, P&P went to West Ham on Monday and were stunned into silence by the skill on display, as it was pointed out to them, it was like watching Brazil, primarily because West Brom were wearing yellow. Then Phil(l) got into an argument on the tube home with a girl who had just been to see Snow Patrol at the O2 after she took against his erudite argument as to why Snow Patrol should be harried out of town by an angry mob with pitchforks. The phrase, "poor man's Coldplay" really raised her and most of the carriage's ire. How was he to know that everyone who got at North Greenwich had just been to see Ireland's least passionate sons?
Anyway, the next Ten's on the 30th, it might come up then. Otherwise, I've been reading The Paris Review Book for Planes, Trains, Elevators And Waiting Rooms (a birthday gift, thanks Neil), enjoyed Richard Jobson's latest film, New Town Killers and love the new Manic Street Preachers album, Journal For Plague Lovers, thank you, Mr. Wire.
Stay beautiful.
Phil(l)

Fear Of Tweeting.

2009-03-07T13:50:00.004Z

I know many people are resistant to the whole notion of Twitter. Andrew Collins tried it for a day and a half and then bailed. It is fair to say that it's not for everybody. The best way to explain it is that it's like the status bar on Facebook, but nothing else. So you can just make mini statements on it. What you're up to, what's happening. It is in essence a crystallisation of what the internet is best at. Brevity, speed and trivia. This morning as an experiment, I threw out an old phone in idea we did on GLR. Band/Actor crossovers, with the two kick off examples being Doctor Geilgud and Wilfred Hyde Whitesnake... I had thousands of responses and was briefly on some twitter register as the third most tweeted person.It won't change your life, it's a distraction, it's very trivial. But it's a laugh at times. Below is just a sample of some of my favourite tweets sent in on Saturday morning. I stress again, this is just a fraction of what I was sent... Also as Twitter has a quick turnover, I was unable to retrieve all the good ones that were sent to me in the first hour of playing this game, for which I apologise to all the very funny people who sent stuff in....

BAND/ACTOR CROSSOVER NAMES
cvh2009@jupitusphillip One more... Sonic Youth Madoc
Guy_Smith@jupitusphillip Rage Against the Michael Sheen
sheilsy@jupitusphillip Nanette Newman and Tubeway Army
kirstenin@jupitusphillip Especially for @glinner Danny McBrided By Voices
cvh2009@jupitusphillip Snoop Dogg McLure
cvh2009@jupitusphillip PIL Jupitus. Sorry
cvh2009@jupitusphillip Nina Simone Signoret
MissPear@jupitusphillip - Art Malik Street Preachers
cvh2009@jupitusphillip Missy Elliott Gould
cvh2009@jupitusphillip Lemon Jelly Savalas
Dalevich@jupitusphillip Creedence Kier Dullea
StuAllan@jupitusphillip The J Giles Brandreth Band http://tinyurl.com/c4pfnj
Dalevich@jupitusphillip The Crazy World of Bea Arthur
Dalevich@jupitusphillip the Spencer Tracey Blues Explosion
CharlieJones2@jupitusphillip Sonic Yootha Joyce
smalltealady@jupitusphillip Doris Green Day
Dalevich@jupitusphillip Fallout Boy George Clooney?
Leo_Payne@jupitusphillip John Woo Fighters
tomcert@jupitusphillip Philip 10cc-more hoffman
superglaze@jupitusphillip @Glinner Correction - Ralph Fiennes' Young Cannibals
mikestockford@jupitusphillip Adam faith no more
mikebreed@jupitusphillip Crosby Streisand Nash.
bigjoe_dub@jupitusphillip Matt Bianco Dillon
Mr_Puddles@jupitusphillip Larry Fishbone
Lysander69uk@jupitusphillip Dexter Fletchers Midnight Runners
Call123@jupitusphillip Abba Friel
jakeybob@jupitusphillip Joni Mitchell & Webb
mariabaz@jupitusphillip thin lizzy taylor
Call123@jupitusphillip All About Niamh Cusack
John__McKenna@jupitusphillip The Christians Bale
Drteeth76@jupitusphillip how about, they might be brian cants? Or the grateful fred savage?
Mr_Puddles@jupitusphillip Wil Wheatus
jonnigee@jupitusphillip Wales' own... The Meryl Streep Preachers!! - Sorry! Off to the park with the kiddies now, heads hurtin.
jonnigee@jupitusphillip The Buzz(courtney)Cox
mikebreed@jupitusphillip @glinner Toots and the Mayalls.
Richardzinho@jupitusphillip Marlon Brando New Heavies
dalekwidow@jupitusphillip Shakira Knightly
mofgimmers@jupitusphillip Led ZeppeLynne Perry
jonnigee@jupitusphillip super fury ann hathaway
Bobs9@jupitusphillip The Jimmy Stewart Experience
jonnigee@jupitusphillip Ian Dury and the Anthony Heads!!!! shumbody schtop me!!!!
osephalford@jupitusphillip Dionne Warwick Davis
mikebreed@jupitusphillip @glinner Kajagoogie Withers.
Woollly@jupitusphillip Tubeway Varney?
Baz69@jupitusphillip Laura Branaghan :)
Bobs9@jupitusphillip The Sensational Helen Mirren Band
steverendle@jupitusphillip Day-lewis and the news. Not an actor but michael knight and the kitts!
AndyKingNA@jupitusphillip Ned's Atomic Dustin Hoffman
Glyndaful@jupitusphillip George Red hot chilli peppard
oinktastic@jupitusphillip Tubeway Arnie?
paulgarrison@jupitusphillip Ladysmith Jack Black Mobazo
wyrdsis@jupitusphillip and another - the red hot chilli billie pipers. now look what you've started!
Kelly_Ainsworth@jupitusphillip They Might Be Sir Ian McKellen
captainwalker@jupitusphillip Danny Dyer straits?
icicle_halo_@jupitusphillip @glinner Basement Jaxx Palance
curlysearley@jupitusphillip McFry :)
teaandcakes@jupitusphillip Bella Emberg and Sebastian
Chris_A_Smith@jupitusphillip john SIMM-ple minds
AdventureAndy@jupitusphillip Eddie Dropkick Murphys
richard_swan@jupitusphillip Boy George Clooney
burlybugger@jupitusphillip Guru Josh Hartnett Project
MaryJaneAnsell@jupitusphillip Arthur Lowe Fidelity Alstars
Call123@jupitusphillip or indeed, Russell Quo
gdorrian@jupitusphillip The Benicio Dog Doo-Dah Band,
MaryJaneAnsell@jupitusphillip Vin Diesel Park West
JohnMDavis@jupitusphillip on a theme - go Adam west or Adam west life
richardjhobbs@jupitusphillip Stiff Stuart Little Fingers
PDSturman@jupitusphillip Gracie Fields of Nephilium
Call123@jupitusphillip Status Crowe
kenarmstrong1@jupitusphillip @glinner Sean Conner-Ry Cooder
Mezandy@jupitusphillip Godspeed you jack black emperor!!
Drolgerg@jupitusphillip Jean-Claude Vangelis
MerseyMal@jupitusphillip Lady GaGary Oldman
DekWason@jupitusphillip all about trevor eve
incrediblesteve@jupitusphillip Streep Purple
Mangowe@jupitusphillip Missy Elliott Gould, A Flock of George Segals, Elbow Derrick, Blancmangelina Jolie, Elvis Abbot & Costello.....
addersop@jupitusphillip I'm a bit late but in a tribute to 80s sitcoms, I give you Wendy Craig David.
KirstW@jupitusphillip mae westlife
tabitca@jupitusphillip bob hoskins and the silver bullet band (yeah I know I am old but bob seger still rocks)
mrsmulwray@jupitusphillip (a few more!) Pepsi & Shirley MacLaine, Sugar Ray Liotta, Al PaciNOFX, Uma Thurman Overdrive.
ciera8@jupitusphillip mel gibson brothers/cuba quiero bailar la salsa gooding jnr
Thomsk56@jupitusphillip The Housemartin Freemans
euzie@jupitusphillip Robert Carlisle Lovett
NovaWildstar@jupitusphillip McQueensryche
jenstuds@jupitusphillip The Sienna Miller Band
djg1@jupitusphillip Alyshea Dixon of Dock Green
rotoscoper@jupitusphillip Chow Yun Fatboy Slim
SplashMan@jupitusphillip Nirvana Friel
doodledawne@jupitusphillip Takei That
mrsmulwray@jupitusphillip (Bit late!) Keanu Reeves & The Vandellas.
abiblackmore@jupitusphillip Denzel Washington and the Test Tube Babies
salspace@jupitusphillip I prefer to think its idle whimsy which'll one day save us from certain death. Wet Wet Depp? (or is that wishful thinking?)
Drolgerg@jupitusphillip George Michael Douglas
jamesecook@jupitusphillip MC 900 Foot Jesus and DJ Angela Lansbury
abiblackmore@jupitusphillip Bon Jovivien Leigh
Misty2k@jupitusphillip Heath Sister Sledger (R.I.P.)
NovaWildstar@jupitusphillip Rage Against The McQueen
doodledawne@jupitusphillip Goldie Hawn Lookin' Chain
SplashMan@jupitusphillip what about Kings of Lee & Herring
sue_treanor@jupitusphillip Adamski woodyatt
tzikeh@jupitusphillip Death Cab for Tilda Swinton
Angus_A@jupitusphillip Nine Inch Nimoys
MatStace@jupitusphillip @glinner Creedence JohnWaters Revival
Lazyactor@jupitusphillip Seasick Steve Buscemi
davidalexanderm@jupitusphillip Red Hugh Laurie, Yellow Hugh Laurie
stewharb@jupitusphillip Aztec Cameron Diaz
Misty2k@jupitusphillip Shit... Broke rule No. 1. Don't fuck up the band name... Get Kate Beckinsale, Wear Kate Beckinsale, Fly
stewharb@jupitusphillip Ingrid Bergmanfred Mann
MancGlass@jupitusphillip Hugh Jackman League
davidpwatts@jupitusphillip Rage against the Martin Sheen
jamesgraham@jupitusphillip Camilla Belle and Sebastian
Prajnagupta@jupitusphillip Humphrey BogArt Of Noise
sorcha69@jupitusphillip carmen electra light orchestra
tomofwight@jupitusphillip Emerson, Lake & Geoffrey Palmer
davidalexanderm@jupitusphillip The Grateful Fred Dibnah
SirBob@jupitusphillip Jamie Lee Curtis Mayfield
Angus_A@jupitusphillip Fleetwood McKellan
avriltuohy@jupitusphillip Simply Red Buttons. That's it - Must go & get fed washed & dressed. Then think about driving to Rayleigh for furniture sale
davidalexanderm@jupitusphillip Tennant Pole Tudor
Zigg_Zagg@jupitusphillip Clap You Hands Say Fry!
jamestilburn@jupitusphillip Death Cab For Shia LaBeouf
Angus_A@jupitusphillip @jupitusphillip All About Eva Green
noSPicedhAM@jupitusphillip U2 McGregor
Zigg_Zagg@jupitusphillip Dirty Pretty Tomlin
paulmason10538@jupitusphillip Aretha William Franklin
jamesgraham@jupitusphillip Livin' in a Boxleiter
symphonysid@jupitusphillip Anthony and the sue johnstons
sorcha69@jupitusphillip fred savage garden
wwwfergy@jupitusphillip william shatn*e*r*d
Kittywithawhip@jupitusphillip Francis Ford Ferdinand
paulmason10538@jupitusphillip Howlin' Wilfred Hyde-White
bopeepsheep@jupitusphillip Britney Spiers of Destiny (ok, 'actor' is pushing it but she's been in films...)
goffik@jupitusphillip Jack Nickelback
goffik@jupitusphillip Grandmaster Melle Mel Gibson and the Furious Five
hanuman@jupitusphillip James macavoyce of the beehive
paulmason10538@jupitusphillip Muddy Julie Walters
hendopolis@jupitusphillip Clint Eastwoodentops
abiblackmore@jupitusphillip Toyah Will Brian Cox
peekay@jupitusphillip Dan Le Sac vs Edward Woodward
hanuman@jupitusphillip cameron diaztec camera
TalkingToolbox@jupitusphillip Spacey/DC
MerseyMal@jupitusphillip Sid James' Addiction
Purpledesk@jupitusphillip Eurythmickyrourkes
wwwfergy@jupitusphillip George Takei That
Mangowe@jupitusphillip T-Rex Harrison
Bonedwarf@jupitusphillip The Crazy World of Arthur Mullard
hendopolis@jupitusphillip Humphrey Bogart of Noise
JamesPearce@jupitusphillip Bros-nan
ClaireMaubach@jupitusphillip adam sandler and the ants
w8f@jupitusphillip Cillian Murphy Joke
Tinderflint@jupitusphillip The Red Hot Peter Sellers
johnwin@jupitusphillip Terry Scott Joplin
deats@jupitusphillip Jack Lemmon Jelly
Sianz@jupitusphillip The Manic Street Janet Porters
Elimare@jupitusphillip Owen Wilson Pickett
Purpledesk@jupitusphillip Joss Stone Roses
SirBob@jupitusphillip Ethan Hawkewind
TalkingToolbox@jupitusphillip Or my personal favourite- Rip Torn, Rig and Panic.
Widgett@jupitusphillip: Little Richard Ayoade
Misty2k@jupitusphillip Steve McQueens of the Stoneage
johnwin@jupitusphillip The Travelling Halle-Burries
beegbird@jupitusphillip Earth Wind and Toby McGuire
ChimeraX@jupitusphillip Johnny Depeche Mode
andyboyd@jupitusphillip Jane Mansfield's Addiction
chris_swan@jupitusphillip Bo Diddley Dereck
gas1883@jupitusphillip Tilly and Bob Wall
WitterWit@jupitusphillip Walter Pidgeon Detectives?
angelastyles@jupitusphillip Buddy Holly Golightly
TalkingToolbox@jupitusphillip Morning Phill. Up the Irons etc. How about -John Wayne County and the Electric Chairs.
gas1883@jupitusphillip Death Cab for Q-Tip
joecassels@jupitusphillip Frankie goes to Eliajah Wood
peekay@jupitusphillip New Model Amy Winehouse
Mangowe@jupitusphillip Emerson Lake and Patsy Palmer
paulmccourt@jupitusphillip Duffy Duck
punctuation@jupitusphillip R. E. Emma Thompson
browncardigan@jupitusphillip david tim roth
SimoLittlefield@jupitusphillip Grateful Deadward Woodward
richardcanoe@jupitusphillip Lilly Alan Rickman
turlygod@jupitusphillip bonnie prince billy crudup, neil 'blood' diamond, hotel rwandi mcdowell
johnnywmills@jupitusphillip Jack Black Grape. A Guy Called Gerald Butler. De La David Soul. Jane'Seymours Addiction. Seasick Steve McQueen.
tilley1971@jupitusphillip Daniel craig David...it's a stretch!!!
goffik@jupitusphillip Nicholas Cage and the Bad Seeds
CliffGB@jupitusphillip Hall and Warren Oates
Mangowe@jupitusphillip June Whigfield
tomsk666@jupitusphillip Sigur Ross Kemp
Sianz@jupitusphillip The Magnetic Gracie Fields
NoSheds@jupitusphillip The Undertony robinsons
Mangowe@jupitusphillip Bette Davis Jnr
andiecropper@jupitusphillip the smashing pumpKinnears
plum177@jupitusphillip My Chemical Robert Downey Jr.
Thomsk56@jupitusphillip Rage Against The Joyce Grenfell
BigSexyNeil@jupitusphillip Leona Lewis Collins
JennifARGH@jupitusphillip Eric Bananarama
UncaScroogeMcD@jupitusphillip Frankie Howerd & The Four Seasons
peekay@jupitusphillip GlasJohnnyVegas
mkayes@jupitusphillip Curiosity killed the Catherine Zeta Jones
pearsonline@jupitusphillip Anthony (Motor)Head
Tinderflint@jupitusphillip Bob Marley and the William Shatner's
tilley1971@jupitusphillip The Samuel L Jackson five
kreditkrunched@jupitusphillip beastie (max) boyce
RickMWalker@jupitusphillip Echo and the Betcheman
MWilkey@jupitusphillip Booker Mr T and the MGs
wickedwoolwitch@jupitusphillip chas and david hasselhoff
jacr13@jupitusphillip Helen Bonham Carter Family
beltranosaurus@jupitusphillip Faith No Juilanne Moore
gashead@jupitusphillip XT Seagrove
Nickchurch@jupitusphillip Lucy Liu-tenant pigeon
tomselleck69@jupitusphillip Joy Behar Division
angelastyles@jupitusphillip Bring your daughter to the Todd Slaughter!!!!!!!
beegbird@jupitusphillip Danny Kaye City Rollers
paulmccourt@jupitusphillip Mel and Kim Catrell
SimoLittlefield@jupitusphillip The HouseSteveMartins
MrDDuke@jupitusphillip "The black Richard Keys"?
Catboy_Dubai@jupitusphillip Good Charlotte Rampling
fionaflaherty@jupitusphillip Band Ade Edmonson
jennifervince@jupitusphillip The Rachel Weisz Stripes
WitterWit@jupitusphillip Def Leonard Nimoy
andyboyd@jupitusphillip Crowded Amy Winehouse
Widgett@jupitusphillip: Skid Rowan Atkinson
ConorWilson@jupitusphillip Anneheche Mode
vidjam@jupitusphillip Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick And Sir Ralph Richardson
scottishstevie@jupitusphillip ruffalo springfield,jesus i need to lay down
nickpeters@jupitusphillip Dinah Shore Jr
pejawi@jupitusphillip The Bonzo Dog Doodah Banderas
TMitC@jupitusphillip Radiohedy Lamarr
johnwin@jupitusphillip Half Man Half Winslet
anniechapman@jupitusphillip radioedwardwoodward
Tinderflint@jupitusphillip Rachel Unthank and the Bernie Winters.........tenuous I know, but made me laugh
fionaflaherty@jupitusphillip Nine Inch Jimmy Nails
Professoryard@jupitusphillip Dora Bryan Maiden
mothsailor@jupitusphillip Get Cape Wear Cape Fry
tomsk666@jupitusphillip Faith no Demi Moore
Sianz@jupitusphillip Lily Savage Garden
tzikeh@jupitusphillip Foghattie McDaniel
miche@jupitusphillip Flock of Segals
Mangowe@jupitusphillip Kings of Leonardo Di Caprio?
Catboy_Dubai@jupitusphillip Genesis Agutter
misshelen20@jupitusphillip Go Timothy West
mikecrowfone@jupitusphillip Kristopherson Airplane
TheCalicoCat@jupitusphillip el-beau bridges
Bouche1985@jupitusphillip Clint East17
wwonka666@jupitusphillip Guns N' Rosemary Clooney
beegbird@jupitusphillip Linda Blur?

Ten Not Out

2009-02-11T09:45:00.005Z

Hello All,

Jupes is off at a voice over and then the Store so as we missed out on the show this week, I thought I'd try and catch up here before my impending deadlines hit me like an errant buffalo. Though, if you do need to hear from him, try Twitter, he appears to post his movements on there (and sometimes mine!) about every thirty seconds. Twitter; an evolutionary step backwards for every right-minded person who's ever enjoyed the written word. But that's just my opinion, not that of P&P Industries... Or indeed Richard Herring who railed (that's not the word I'm looking for, ironically, given my earlier statement) against myself and Andrew 'College' Collins for not joining the Twitter Revolution. Such a grand title for something so weedy, it's like describing an asthma-ridden child as burly. Anyway, I digress, I'm here to tell you (unfurls parchment) why there was no show this week; work and lots of it. That's no gripe, it's hard to find the stuff these days, but we do this gratis as do USP who run the studio, so the day we had free they did not. Sadly, the Ten is a hobby not a gig and so always has to take second place to the various day jobs. It's a shame as we love doing it so very much. And talking of the Ten, and I was, I'm not sure there could have been less grace among our audience when we posted the news that there was no show this week. Most of you were kind, but the fat Peter Kay lookalike (nice shots of you playing rugby, dumpy) who described us as 'You cunts' is going to get bitten through the face the day I meet him. Admittedly, it might have been a joke, or a clumsy attempt at one (your photos indicate that clumsy might have been the word you saw a lot on your school reports), but we tried hard to pull the show together this week - we were still trying to make it work at 10pm on Monday night - and that was the last rejoinder we wanted to see.

Anyway, on a happier note, Grace Jones played the most remarkable show at the Roundhouse in Camden, proof-positive that women in their sixties can still swing. She pole-danced like an adept teen from Texas and then pretty much thrust a camera up her behind while never missing a note... They should make her the Angel of the South. In other news, Phill's working on his first book (non-fiction), while I scratch my head quizzically and stare at my second novel as if we've never met before. Just how did I complete and sell the last one? And in a charmed moment, the wonderful Nicky Wire gave me his tickets for the forthcoming Wales game in Cardiff this weekend, trying to find a hotel is a different matter, but I'll worry about that after the third pint of Brains has been sunk and we've watched England trampled mercilessly into the Welsh turf. More on that on next week's Ten, we're recording on Monday so we hope to have the new show up by end of day, thank us then.

And for those who even care, I'm still wading through the Paris Review compendium I mentioned last time, listening to two new albums, one from Therapy? which is called Crooked Timber and Chris Cornell's Scream. The latter recorded with Timbaland, it won't be to everyone's tastes... Film wise, I've liked Hush and had very little time for Body Of Lies, succinctly put, it's a beautiful mess.

We'll see you next time and when I say that, I mean Monday. Now play nice.

Phil(l)

Happy New Year, Biatches

2009-01-06T19:12:00.005Z

Hello People,

So we finally reconvened for the first Perfect Ten of 2009, braving the elements as the Standard screamed about -10 temperatures in town as if London's meant to be impervious to weather. I pulled my giant parka (a coat people openly ridiculed and pointed at until frostbite took their fingers away - the irony) up to my eyes and went skidding along the pavement until I gently came to rest with a bump against a friendly lamppost at the end of my street. Phill was stuck on the tube (weather of any kind means that the transport in London comes to a shuffling halt) so I sat in the USP offices and annoyed the staff by shouting my surname out in a variety of accents. German works best. I can recommend Welsh too.

Anyway, Phill turned up in the first hat he ever bought (not technically the first he owned, that was a sailor hat that he picked up on Southend pier when he was eight - we'll post the pictures, my, can he have ever been so cute?) and a coat the size of Mammon and we descended into the cellar for our dirty, dirty business. If you're reading this then I'm sure you'll know the grimy details, but suffice to say that Duffy, Lansbury and Grant Moon all got a kicking, almost everyone who ever taught us too, they all had it coming. Oh and we want to rustle hamsters across the Thames, can anyone help, please? All of this and Phill announced that he was on the wagon for a year, my eyebrow went up and down like a faulty train signal and so we've decided on a sweepstake; guess the date he falls off the wagon and win... Head over to our Facebook group (there's a link at the top of the page, silly) and learn more. There's prizes, glittering prizes...

We keep talking about taking the Ten live, but we really are almost certainly thinking about working on it and you'll be the first to know, don't worry, I can't imagine there'll be something akin to a land-rush for tickets. And while we can't guarantee any laughs we can guarantee you great music as we'll both be playing sets afterwards so you can dance away the painful memories of us... And while I'm here, just this, contributor Kate was kind enough to draw myself and Phill on a festive camel, the words 'bumming' and 'bestiality' did spring to mind, but we're terribly grateful anyway and we'd like more contributions with an artistic bent. Think Take Hart but without any of that show's redeeming qualities. Or Tony Hart. We'll set up some sort of gallery here that we can all wander about with glasses of wine from a box while tutting and murmuring to ourselves.

That's about it really, at the moment I'm listening to Patrick Park's Loneliness Knows My Name, reading The Paris Review Book Of Heartbreak, Madness, Sex, Love, Betrayal, Outsiders, Intoxication, War, Whimsy, Horrors, God, Death, Baseball, Travels, The Art Of Writing And Everything Else In The World Since 1953 and watching In Search Of A Midnight Kiss and I think you should be too, no pressure.

Until next time then.

Phil(l)

xxx

God rest ye merry gentlemen, you fuckers...

2008-12-18T11:44:00.007Z

So on Tuesday we reconvened for the final Perfect Ten of the year. Jupes had a cold that weighed on him like guilt does Catholics and sounded more impenetrable than my uncle; when he speaks to me I just about catch my name at the end of the sentence. Naturally, I smile and give him the thumbs up. That went swimmingly until the day he told me that his mother had just died, but I digress...

So we did Show 11, which is a feat in itself as we planned six and were then all out of there, but I think the prevailing good mood got the better of us. Show 11 went incredibly well considering Phill was coughing like he'd just been hit by a canister of mustard gas (which wouldn't be half as funny if he had been) so that was quite a feat in itself. An aside; we're now higher in the iTunes chart than I think we ever have been before, thank you all so much, that's the kind of fucking Christmas present I'm talking about (sorry, got an attack of the Westwoods)!

Anyway, we talked Bucket lists and all the things women have hit me with, time has helped heal those terrible scars, thank you, and then we sat around while the lovely Andre Vincent did his best camp Santa (is there any other kind?) for the following Festive 12. Phill did multiple takes with his jingle bells (true story, madam), he's like George Martin when he gets in a studio (wears a white coat, calls me Ringo...) and we were ready to go.

Andrew Collins and Richard Herring arrived, College with his perturbed furrow above the eyebrows and quizzical left eye and Herring looking like Santa after a three day bender of hookers and gin. What could have been more festive? The show goes up on the 22nd, either via us or the excellent podcast Horny Santa and Quzzical (as they're now known) do. They did theirs via Garageband (with loads of extras, there's a good five minutes of foul language at the beginning that's missing from ours) and we went the usual route of blagging the studio from the good folk at USP.

Suffice to say, it may well be the best show we've done all year (I can only speak for P&P Industries at this point), but it was damn good fun, all forty-five minutes of it and what a fleeting forty-five minutes they were. I listened to it last night and it sings, dammit! Actually, at one point we did sing, but I'll let you stumble across that for yourselves. So enjoy, we're done for the year now, in terms of podcasting at least.

Thanks for coming with us this far, have a bloody lovely Christmas, see you in 2009 for Season 2. We love you.
Phil(l)
xxx

Shouting and food throwing, what the fuck!?

2008-12-07T16:53:00.005Z

Having returned from three days of impro, disco, cider, rum and Guinness, my next assignment was to go to the British Comedy Awards on Saturday night. I have never been before, but a request from both Buzzcocks and QI for me to attend meant that I couldn't really say no. I'm always severely underdressed at these things, as everybody does the whole black tie thing. If I dress like that, people assume I'm security so I resemble a roadie going to a wedding. I was at a table with young Amstell, Dan and Adam, his writers, Jim Pullin the exec, Stu Mather the producer, Dave Morley the Talkback honcho and Tracy Mcleod who guides young Amstell's wonderful career.

In the wake of the BBC caving in to the whims of The Daily Mail, regular host Jonathan Ross was deputised by former bete noir of the tabloids Angus Deayton. His opening salvo was a spiky enough and the Mail got a slap so i was happy. I was asked to fill in for the absent QI luminaries in case they won, so had a double chance of podium glory. That said, I was rooting for Have I Got News to win.

Like all award shows it was a bit dull, and the hollow nature of the thing was pointed up when the late Geoffrey Perkins kids came up to collect an award for him. Russell Brand rightly got Best Stand Up, TV Burp got one as did Alan Carr, Gervaise got an award but wasn't there, and when he was announced as winner there was an audible moan, and the little boy out of Muppet Treasure Island got all cross.

Then our category was announced by Adrian Chiles and Lucy Davies and QI won. Simon shook my hand and I went up and made a shit speech. I felt quite odd being up there, and being a C average kinda guy, am really unaccustomed to it. I felt bad for Simon and Stu and everybody, as it's been a tough time with Bill leaving. Anyway I told my weak ass joke and sat back down. Then they did a few more awards Jasperv Carrot won a lifetime achievement award and was really lovely in his speech. Gavin And Stacey won something and the little boy out of those shit bank adverts threw some food around, shouted some more so they couldn't make a speech and then it was all over.

On the way out I was presented with a huge goody bag that contained the following...

A make up box
Shampoo
A razor,
shave foam
toothpaste
2 tee shirts,
a clock
some hair shine stuff,
make up wipes,
some ringtones,
a pork pie,
a voucher for some prescription specs
a baseball cap
a Mike Reid dvd
a booklet about a shirt shop
pills for curing hangovers
a drink you drink before going on the lash to avoid hangovers
a bottle of water
a bottle of champagne
two tickets for the boat show at earls court

I got home and drank Caucasians while watching The Big Lebowski.

At least I can say I've been once. And same as the Brits (1987) once is enough...

Most Metal

2008-12-06T16:12:00.006Z

So while Phill toddled around the Emerald Isle I kept the flame of heavy metal alive with two trips into town, one to see the black panto that is Slipknot at Hammersmith Odeon and then Coheed & Cambria (or Rush Junior as we call them in our house) at the doomed Astoria.

Slipknot have nine members so the stage (multi-tiered, spewing flames) is always busy. They play beer barrels too - true - and use more hydraulics than your average car factory. At one point the drum riser rose up in the air and spun around just like Tommy Lee's used to. I punched the air in celebration, I may even have whooped.

C&C are more considered and no-one wears a clown mask which is a shame because nothing says Christmas like an S&M clown. C&C's singer has hair the size of Mammon and sometimes he plays a double-necked guitar, they make concept albums and have their own comic book. I bet you're crushed you missed them. They'll be back in 2009, let's all go and see them together then, Slipknot too.

Phil(l)

LAVERYS PLAYLIST

2008-12-06T12:52:00.007Z

Due to major pinheadedness, after typing the playlist out last night I deleted it, so I have to redo it anyway, so here we go... These are what was played last night at Lavery's in Belfast...

Jazz Jamaica - Theme from The Godfather/Al Capone

Peter Sellers - Yes It Is

Pluto Shervington - Dat

Manu Chao and Toots Hibbert - Merry Blues

Gogol Bordello - Immigrant Punk

Magnifico & Turbolenza - Hir Ai Kam Hir Ai Go

JUF - Last Wish Of The Bride

Brakes - All Night Disco Party (Graham Sutton remix)

LCD Soundsystem - Daft Punk Is Playing At My House (Soulwax Shibuya mix)

Transglobal Underground - Drinking In Gomorrah

Loose Cannons - I Like It When Ya...

Paul Weller - Push It Along

Detroit Cobras - Last Night

Buzzcocks - Fiction Romance

Specials - Little Bitch

Madness - Rockin' In A Flat

The Clash - White Man In Hammersmith Palais

Lord Kitchener - Love In the Cemetery

Ella Fitzgerald - Get Ready

Billy Stewart - Secret Love

Gentleman June Gardner - It's Gonna Rain

Professor Longhair - Big Chief

The Meters - Chicken Strut

Collapsed Lung - Thundersley Invacar

The Specials - Friday Night, Saturday Morning

I've Got A Lavery Bunch Of Coconuts...

2008-12-06T03:43:00.005Z

So, Belfast then. I haven't gigged here proper in a good long while. I've done tellys and radios but not much in the way of live work. So to be playing The Opera House with the lads is a singular honour.

The show goes up a little late due to various technical issues but we hit the stage and deliver the goods for a shade under ninety minutes. the crowd are rowdy and fun as you might expect from Belfast, and we have a laugh.

Afterwards, I'm picked up with the boys for the deejaying gig at Lavery's. I've done this a fair few times lately but I have to say the crowd were a delight. No poseurs, no hipsters, no wankers, just people out for a drink, a dance and a laugh.

For those who said hello, a big hello back, and thanks for coming out. Also thanks to Gregz the resident deejay at Lavery's for asking me to do it. I hope we can have a go again sometime... for those who care, I just tried to cut and paste the running order, but for some reason I can't... It will follow at some time in the future...

Stick it in Cork...

2008-12-05T11:50:00.006Z

Day two of my Irish sojourn and we drive down (?) to Cork for a gig at Brian's City Limits comedy club. A stage I haven't graced in about 12 years. All of us are a tad fragile from the previous evening's drinking so in an effort to stem the problem, I wander into a fake 50s diner called Eddie Rockets to eat chips and drink a malt while trying to pretend I can read The Times in my near weepy state. The others, being pragmatists are merely throwing more booze at the problem over the road in a pub called The Myles Breen. Their approach to hangovers is therefore not unlike Gordon Brown's approach to economics.

You may wonder what glamorous things we get up to during such tours, but I can assure you the rhythm of the thing adheres doggedly to a 'drive, drink, do show, drink more, do it all over again' template. We played to an enthusiastic crowd of about 300 who came up with some really good suggestions for scenes, so the gig was a real laugh.

Our hotel isn't quite what we expected, and we find ourselves sharing "apartments" which make us all feel like ex-pat Polish chippys. The Welsh youth hostel circa '74 decor does nothing to lift our moods. However, when in doubt, drink. So we decorate from within and the rooms seem a lot less bleak after a few Cuba Libres and White Russians.

Very shortly we'll be assembling to go for our 1.00pm breakfast, and then will be flying to Belfast for the gig at the Opera House. I have to get hold of some blank CDs in preparation for tonight's deejay set at Lavery's where I can guarantee the crowd some solid gold floor clearers...

Dance, bitch!

2008-12-04T11:46:00.004Z

Greetings one and all!

This inaugural blog finds the portly half of the Phill and Phil empire 'on the road' very much in the style of Jack Kerouac assuming he was an Irishman with a drinking problem.

Last night in the company of Steve Frost, Andy Smart, Steve Steen and Richard Vranch I played an impro show in Limerick at the university theatre. A good crowd of around 500 saw us arsing around for cash.

Tragically the evening spiralled out of control in a haze of cider, rum and youngsters shouting "legend" in my ear before getting their phone cameras out. I also appear to have thrown up in the night, which I don't remember, although had the presence of mind at the time to have found the sink. And apparently, the plug, which in retrospect is a shame.

Tonight we storm Cork at the Thursday comedy club (City Limits?) and on Friday we best Van Morrison by blowing the roof off of The Belfast Opera House after the panto. After that gig I will be deejaying at a bar called Lavery's from midnight, for those who know any who might care...

ONWARDS!