Show 1

• Joe Kinnear looks like an aged meerkat
• Royals who go to boarding school like to be peed on
• People who’ve been stung by jellyfish like to be peed on too!
• Our mate used to live with Bond and a gin pool flooded their flat
• Coolio’s fusion food: black Italian is called Blitalian, Black English food is called Blenglish; Black Scottish food….
• Who doesn’t like a holiday where you abuse horses and Jenny Agutter
• Jamie Oliver does not feed people through bars but he is involved in a pyramid scheme
• Michael Palin has a foreign policy unlike Sarah Palin
• Speaking of Sarah Palin…we would!

Show 2

• Just call us the fuckle brothers!
• The Treaty Of Versailles is the only treaty we know
• Like Peter Gabriel doesn’t use cymbols, we don’t always use the ukele
• We’ve come to a Darwinian full stop
• Einstein can always fox Google
• Ringo Starr has his own pin number
• Heavy is called 80 Shilling
• Phill would comfort Lorraine Kelly by cuddling her in his arms and screaming at the sky
• You can now buy a DVD of Vladimir Putin punching a tiger
• This has been political shop talk with Phill and Phil

Show 3

• We’ll swear the next time we’re on the radio
• A pub with children is like a crèche with a wet bar
• 4920 feet is 246 Cortinas
• If the concertina bus made that noise there would be fewer accidents on the streets of London
• Play Led Zeppelin or Eddie Bo now!
• Jessica Lange is not starring in the next WI video
• Mark Lamarr keeps bees
• Phil Wilding abhors a cardigan, not matter how tight
• Don’t buy a round of drinks in Oslo

Show 4 - The Priest, The Vampire, The Milkman and his Sonic Screwdriver

• Priests are people too
• Being high is no way to sell a 99
• We wish Joss Stone would pick a note and stick with it
• Tesco Extra in Pemberton is a Dickensian wonderland
• Once he has retired Stephen Hawking will return to space to continue his fight against evil
• We always felt sorry for the monsters at the end
• They weren’t scanning Phil Wilding, they were PhotoShopping him!
• The sonic screwdriver is in fact a Cyberman’s cock!
• We’d jump the fence for Damon Albarn and Tim Robbins
• Columbo’s left eye!

Show 5 - A Beautifully Thrown Pot, A Cloud of Bees and Beating Biffin’s Bridge

• Kiss’ fireworks burnt Neil’s Biffin’s Bridge
• Ray Harryhausen’s skeletons turned us on
• Collins and Herring throw a beautiful pot
• The countryside is a hotbed of crime
• We left 6 Music under a cloud of bees
• We’re going to form a band called the Tardy Cardinals
• When it comes to cartoon characters: Ren and Red? We would!
• We never did get to run a Co-Op or become flying doctors
• Allo, allo, allo – wallop!

Show 6 - Hot, Wet, Wembley Stadium and our Two Dead Dads

• The first people to play A Design For Life at Wembley were us!
• Singapore is hot and wet like tea or a lovely stripper
• Chicken Pox stops masturbation like the mental image of Bob Hoskins
• We’ve got two Empire awards, neither of them are ours
• When Phill clicks his wrists, women, they love to ovulate!
• This week’s new favourite band is Heady Funk
• If Rolf Harris offers to get you a drink, think again
• Buy a f**king map!
• Carbecueing is the latest thing
• Coming to a TV near you is My Two Dead Dads

Show 7 - Lanyard Sharpie, Detective Patois and a Rum Do

• We didn’t really mean it Madonna
• On Phill’s first date he looked like Sherwood Forest with a gay haircut!
• We’d like Inspector Morse and Columbo to get us off
• As Christopher Biggins would say ‘it’s a rum do!’
• The last thing Captain Morgan heard was wallopppe!
• We actively endorse space piss
• Given the choice, Phill would be Japanese, Phil would be Polynesian
• Pollock liked Hancock, while Rothko liked the shipping forecast
• Lithuanians? Excellent glass blowers!
• It’s time for the weather with Lanyard Sharpie

Show 8 - Bishop Bashing, Finger Boy and Bloody, Bloody Newport

• Phill and Phil – bishop bashing since 1974
• Phil Wilding wants to fire his boiler at the stars
• Finger Boy is the ladies’ favourite super hero!
• The Serengeti is just like Newport when there’s blood in the air
• Polar Bear cock!
• Bonfires and perfume make us so very wistful
• Jenny Agutter – we still would
• In Dublin, a human pyramid contains no treasure
• Unless that car was a Corgi I sing the Beast Of Bodmin and you’ve been listening to Phill and Phil on Book Talk

Show 9 - Antlers, Woolworths, Velvet Mouth and Sticks of Celery

• Vitamin water tastes like heaven
• Like Sylvester Stallone, we’d like you to go velvet mouthed on our shanks of love
• Ask not for whom the Woolworth’s bell tolls, it tolls for thee
• Hillary Clinton’s got back
• Phill wishes he could build, Phil wishes he could paint like Hitler
• Really, really would like some antlers
• Tonight, the pair of us will be dining at a Japanese Bakaki restaurant
• Put your finger in the air four times! Exactly!!

Show 10 - Stephen Hawking, Baboon Sex and Roy Keanes Beard

• Stephen Hawking is in the hizzle
• Wearing another man's glasses is like wearing another man's wife
• Slipknot are better than Supertramp but might not be better than ELO
• Our favourite war poets are Wilfred Owen and Vidal Sassoon
• Nothing says "Godfather of Soul" like a man pouring a pint of milk into a cone of newspaper
• Roy Keane was so annoyed all the time because he had the White Stripes in his beard and couldn't bear their off-kilter drumming
• We don't mind fighting a baboon but we do mind the buggery
• When Lucy the Labrador squinted, you knew there was going to be a problem
• Phill nearly died in his pants tonight
• Phil is a human jukebox - just pop 50p in him and make your selction Ladies and Gentlemen